It’s Not About Intention—It’s About Attention

Let me tell you a recent example of how we often hear... exactly what we want to hear 😉

(Yes, this is another post in my little series on communication - how much of it is conscious, and how much is not!)

A few days ago, I had a conversation with my husband about the repair of our outdoor stairs. They've needed attention for... well, quite a while now 🙃. He told me he had an idea to make them look better for now - just a small fix before we plan something bigger later.

What did I hear? “He’ll fix the stairs this week!” 😊

Of course, we sorted it out later, but we both had to admit that there was definitely a mismatch between what he meant (that he meant doing something before the summer holidays 😎 ) and what I heard. Classic miscommunication.

It reminded me of that famous experiment where you’re asked to count how many times players pass a basketball. You're focused, counting carefully - and then someone tells you: “Did you see the gorilla?”

Wait... what gorilla? (“Invisible Gorilla” experiment by Daniel J. Simons.)

Most people completely miss the person in a gorilla suit walking across the screen - because they are so focused on the ball. I just love this example! It’s called inattentional blindness, and it shows how our brain filters out what it thinks is irrelevant - even when it’s right in front of us.

So what’s the point here?

We don’t just see or hear what`s there. We see and hear what we expect. What we’re focused on.

And this is how our brain works – it filters information constantly based on things like focus, beliefs, or emotional state. It’s useful, but also… limiting.

So is there anything we can do to understand others better?

Absolutely. First, just remember this: miscommunication is often not about intention - it’s about attention.

Then, try stepping back. Ask questions. Take a “helicopter view” - look at the situation from a different angle. You might be surprised what you suddenly notice when you’re not fixated on the “ball” 😉 

Curious to explore more? Stay tuned for more insights on effective communication😊